50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
by Owule
Summary: When Duo gets in trouble for one of his many exploits he finds an interesting list in the trash and no one is safe.
1. Chapter 1

**50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator **

"I hate paper work!"

"Too bad, Duo, that's what you get for screwing up with the C4 explosives."

Duo turned around, brown hair twisted into a messy braid swinging around his hips and stuck his tongue out at the other man. "Shut up, Trowa, I was only off by a minute, it didn't do too much damage to the medical wing."

Trowa threw back his head and laughed, his broad shoulders straining the arms of his special black ops forces jacket. "Yeah, Sally, really enjoyed you storming into her first cadaver training with the rookies."

Duo huffed, his face flushing scarlet. "Stupid woman didn't have to get me demoted to desk work for a month."

Trowa continued to chuckle as he walked by Duo and patted his shoulder, "That's how long it's going to take to repair the wing you destroyed, have fun."

Duo was left standing in the cubicle area with a sullen look on his face. Really it wasn't his fault that Heero had given him a bad C4 unit and Trowa had booked the demolition grounds farthest away from the buildings. Duo turned and suddenly tripped over nothing, crashing to the ground with a bang.

"Goddamit already! What did I ever do to you?" Duo growled as he shuffled his body around and hissed at the offending trashcan that had tripped him and started stuffing the papers back in the can, cursing all the while.

A paper clung to his hand and he growled low in his throat, ready to cram it back where it belonged then he caught sight of the title and uncrumpled the paper. As he started to read an evil smile crept across his face that didn't reach his eyes. Oh, this would teach them to give him desk duty for a month, if he had to be miserable so would everyone else.

(1)

Two female rookies got on the elevator, giggling about the new hot transfer guy over in decoding lab. Their heads were bent, long hair curling together as they chatted and whispered their hopes and suspicions to eachother as one carelessly pressed a button to another floor.

The elevator was flawless as it made its way to the 20th floor. It came to its stop and as the doors slid open-

"VROOM! VEEERRRRROOOOOM!"

Both women jumped and whirled around to finally notice a tanned looking boy about twenty three years in age with a brown braid dangling down to his ass wearing a special black ops forces jacket looking at them and making speeding car noises.

They gave eachother a simultaneous look, turned very carefully and fled. Had they looked back they would have noticed the unholy look of glee in the boy's blue eyes.

(2)

"Ha-ha-ha-choo!" Duo sneezed into his kleenex tissue, looked and grimaced. He turned to the guy beside him wearing glasses and holding a couple of folders, the guy was obviously from the comp. lab.

"Hey, hey, dude. Does this look like I need to go to the infirmary?" Duo shoved the soiled kleenex as close to the guys face as he could, almost smearing the contents on the glasses.

The poor computer lab rat scrunched up his face and tried to dodge the tissue and only looked too relieved when the elevator reached his floor.

(3)

The elevator was extremely crowded now because of lunch hour.

One passenger elbowed another and when the one elbowed turned around, accidentally knocking into another employee the original troublemaker grimaced painfully and started smacking his head.

"Hey, you okay?" The bumpee asked, reaching for the elbow that had originally bumped him, concerned at the other man's quiet muttering that was getting slowly louder.

"…up! Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Everyone turned around to look at the man in the corner who couldn't stop hitting himself and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Lunch hour was going to be extended that day.

(4)

Only one person was riding the elevator this time and it was Tim from the Personal Assistance Office, as others liked to refer to it, the Pow Wow office. Now Tim was good with people, very good, he had to be for his job. But there was just one thing you couldn't do to Tim, and that was sing repetitive songs or he, in short, would burst a vein.

Too bad for Tim he was riding the elevator with a mad man and had to go all the way to the receptionist office on the 2nd floor from his office on the 23rd.

"It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small world-"

(5)

"Where is everyone?" Jefferies, the Head of the Communications Department, muttered storming around the cubical space in the reception area. Lunch hour had come and gone and still no one had shown back up to their desks. Those calls didn't forward themselves you know!

He suddenly heard screeching coming from the walls and turned his head toward the elevators.

His brow furrowed as he marched over to the metal doors as they dinged open and got firmly sucker punched in the nose.

Clasping his hand to his nose from the floor he looked into the elevator to see screaming packs of women and most of his receptionist staff hollering like it was the end of the world or 50% off clothes at Jimmy Chung's shoe store.

"Samoa's! Give me the Samoa's!"

"Thin mints!"

"Tarts!"

"Don't despair, ladies, there's plenty to go around!" A voice called from inside the swarm of buzzing women.

As the doors closed again Jefferies decided to take the stairs to the infirmary.

(6)

Duo smiled as the elevator reached the first floor and a couple of women and children entered the elevator.

By the end of the ride to the 17th floor not only Duo but the children as well were crashing from side to side in the boxed car, pretending to be pirates on the sea.

(7)

Duo squinted into the metal surface and slowly raised the razor to his chin and hummed as he shaved, ignoring the other passengers looking at him as if he was crazy.

(8)

The woman watched the special black ops personal humm to himself, a large bag slung over his shoulder like nothing was wrong. She had been hearing stories about crazy things going on in the elevators in the past few days and was constantly on the look out. She hadn't been a victim yet but that was because she was careful.

The man suddenly opened the bag very wide and looked down, "Hey, got enough air down there?"

She gave the man a sideways look and he just smiled at her.

"Lepracons." He shrugged.

(9)

Adrian hummed a small ditty while he waited for the elevator to ting so he could make his way toward the upward construction area instead of ridding those make shift scaffolding elevators. Those always made him queasy.

The elevator door opened and he walked right in and suddenly a piece of paper was thrust under his nose by a smiling brown haired man.

"Here, write your name on it."

Adrian just blinked for a minute and quickly scanned everyone else in the boxed area, they all gave him suffering looks with dejected airs.

One woman next to him muttered, "Just do it." She looked like she had been harassed into wearing hers and was just saving him air.

Adrian looked down at the man in front of him still smiling and holding out the name tag while his own was upside down and spelled backward. Adrian sighed and took the sheet of paper while hitching up his tool belt on his waist, "Does anyone have a pen?"

(10)

Duo didn't like this one as much as the other ones because he couldn't really do anything to annoy anyone else on the elevator, though he watched their reflections from the corner of the metal walls as they rode up and down.

He noticed some people shooting him uneasy looks and shuffling from side to side, ready to get off.

Duo smiled inwardly, planning his next stage of attack. After all tomorrow was a new day.


	2. Chapter 2

(11)

Duo grunted while he grappled with the metal doors. His teeth ground together as sweat beaded down his brow.

"Stupid, son-of-a-bitch doo-"

There was a sudden 'ding' and Duo's arms flew open as he stumbled forward, shock written all over his face.

He turned around, chuckling as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and looked back inside the metal car at all the people watching him, face flushing.

"Well, I'll be damned, they open by themselves."

(12)

The floor doors 'dinged' open and Heero walked in, arms full of folders and headed down to Records on the 3rd floor.

Heero was zoning, frown on his face as he stared blankly at the metal doors in front of him, not noticing the looming danger behind.

A soft brush of air caressed the side of his neck, alerting him too late as his arms were crushed against his sides, the folders crashing to the floor and a voice murmering, "Nookie Patrol coming!"

Heero spun, arms coming up under his attackers, shoving them upwards as he forced the body against the other wall and growled up into the face with the cheshire grin.

"Duo," Heero growled as he gazed at his lithe lover he pinned up against the elevator wall, "If you've done that with anyone else I-"

Duo's laugh bounced against the walls as he knocked his head against Heero's, noses almost touching and gave a light peck in the air, "Of course not, 'ro, I've been saving that one just for y-"

They stood, tongues licking and teeth nipping as Duo was slowly released from Heero's death-hold and slipped back onto his feet, arms twining about his partner as they completely ignored their surroundings.

Too bad the other Preventer employee's couldn't do the same…

(13)

Geraldine Roberts was previously a secretary for the police department before it was disbanded and the Preventers created. She retained her job but now ran the office with the proficiency of her deceased grandfather Admiral Roberts.

Geraldine hummed a small tune as she waited for the elevator doors opened, ignoring all the horror stories she had been hearing about crazy men and orgies on the steal cars. If anyone dared to mess with her she would show them what's what, even take off her hoop earrings if necessary.

The elevator doors slowly opened to reveal a young man decked out in old Navy wear. The man looked up, face a stone mask and slowly removed his cap and put it up under his left arm. He then extended a gloved hand and gave a brilliant smile, "Call me 'Admiral'."

Geraldine stood stunned for a moment then threw back her head and laughed.

(14)

Lorane was a very sensible person, or so she liked to think. Ever since she was a little girl she had color coded everything and then recoded them for their purpose. Nothing was ever out of place. And when she was a teenager and other girls giggled about boys and other such frivolous things she just stuck up her nose and said they were useless.

Even in emergency situations she never shook, being head nurse in this Preventors division demanded nothing less. Especially with all those damn black ops agents running around and pulling stupid stunts all the time.

But for the first time in Lorane's life she was afraid.

She darted a glance toward the hunched figure in the corner wearing all black and chuckling darkly. She shifted uncomfortably, dark eyes never leaving the twisted thing in the corner and quickly looked back at the elevator numbers. Just a few more floors to go and then she could-

"I must find a more suitable host body."

The voice was so close, too close and fear clutched at her chest when she heard that unnatural sound. It wasn't even human!

Lorane squeezed her eyes shut and kept punching the closest floor number and barley even waited until the doors were open to fly forward and out, away from that damn unholy demon!

(15)

Samantha Puit was normally a very patient woman, but this was getting rediculous.

"Duo, I have to get down to the 3rd floor _sometime_ before noon." She said rubbing her temples.

Duo just pouted at her as he stood in the middle of the elevator doors at the top of the building on the 50th floor. "But the doors have to stay open until I hear the penny I dropped go 'plink' at the bottom."

Samantha just arched a brow, "Did you actually _drop_ a penny from all the way up here?"

Duo only smiled.

(16)

"I'm so glad you could join me, Wufei." Duo said, sliding into the next pose, enjoying the flex of his rather inactive muscles lately. The burn was good.

There was a sigh, "It's WuFei, Maxwell, and I don't see the reason we have to move our Ti Chi exercises on the elevator anyway."

"We could always-"

"Never mind, Maxwell, never mind."

Duo only hummed in response.

(17)

Duo waited for the perfect victim for this one. Brad Crewshaw was the epitome of 'jock-made-police officer'. He was tall, somewhat buff and good looking with his blond hair always looking like it was slicked back by the wind. Sure the guy wasn't a bad one or a prick really but his reaction should be pretty funny.

So when he announced he had "new socks on" he wasn't prepared for an indepth conversation about sock development and found that he was the one wanting to escape the elevator but if he did then his plan would be ruined. So he gritted his teeth and endured the 10 flights decent to Brad's floor.

He was _never_ doing that again.

(18)

There were exactly eight people on the elevator when the moaning began. Everyone looked at eachother then came to the same conclusion as they carefully looked behind them.

Another moan as the boy doubled over and clutched his stomach looking very pale all of the sudden. "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"

All eight passengers went pale and clamored toward the doors, not caring if they had to walk all the way to their destination just as long as they got out now. With the crazy guy in the elevator you never knew if he was serious or not. He had had an orgy in the elevator with Agent Yuy after all, or that was what the rumors said.

(19)

Duo was extremely pleased that not only had he saved his priest uniform from the war but he also still fit into it. Sure it was a little short but all he had to do was wear his black commando boots and pull his socks a little and voila. Instant pre-end-of-wars Duo.

And he thought Father Maxwell and Sister Helen would be extremely proud of him, handing out all these nice little Christian bibles to everyone who had gotten on the elevator-or they would have dragged him away by the ear berating him for his prank.

Duo gave an evil smile to then next woman attempting to board the elevator, this had been a little dull so he had spiced the literature up a bit and snickered. Wait until the people got to the 'Revelations' because it was really revealing.

(20)

"-and then she said-"

"Merow."

The two women turned around to see a boy looking nonchalantly around the elevator with earbuds in, clearly ignoring his surrounding. They turned back to eachother hoping to finish their conversation.

"He didn't!"

"Me-aow."

The women turned and glared at the boy.

The blond growled a little, "Do you mind? We're trying to have a conversation."

The boy's eyes finally landed on them, he smiled and tilted his head to the side. "Merrow?"

"Jesus Christ! C'mon, Christy, we're taking the stairs." The blond said as she stopped at the next floor and dragged her companion out with her.

Duo waved his hand like a paw and with a smile said, "Mrow."


	3. Chapter 3

(21)

"Hey, hey, dude, guess what."

Madison Parker gritted his teeth and tried to ignore the little bastard practically jumping up and down in front of him. Sure he had four children and one on the way and was usually a very patient man but someone needed to take this little brat and give him a swat to his backside he wouldn't soon forget.

"Hey, hey! Hey, man!"

"What!"

The youngth looked a little taken back but covered up quickly and smiled. "I bet I could get this quarter up my nose." He held up a shiny silver quarter with the Queens portrait staring up at him.

Madison gave an evil smile of his own, "Fine. Do it."

The boy just grinned and produced four more out of nowhere, "Okay, bub, but for everyone I do you have to do it too."

Madison's smile fled as he looked at the boy and back at the quarters and hoped to god he could live to see the tenth floor.

(22)

Duo muttered to himself as he was crushed to the back of the elevator. Apparently people just hadn't learned their lesson. But that wasn't the issue right now, really it wasn't…

He squirmed and purposly bumped others as he squiggled around in the back doing, as mothers call it, the potty dance. "Gotta go, gotta go," then when he was in front and reaching for the next floor's button his shoulders slumped and he sighed. "Oops."

There was a rush off when the next floor came.

(23)

Duo smiled as he spied one of the more squirmy agents get on the elevator, eyes squinting as hands rummaged around his person for the glasses he clearly left on top of his head. It wasn't the previous comp. lab rat but a mousy one from the forensic labs. This would be fun.

The doors shut and Duo slowly pushed up his right sleeve and nudged the other guy next to him. "Hey, buddy, I need to ask you a question."

The mousy man was eye level to Duo and had finally situated his glasses on the bridge of his nose. God, those things were ugly. "Y-yes?"

Duo shoved his right arm up to the man's face and smiled at the pussy mess there, "Does this look infected to you?"

The man turned pale looking at the gash in Duo's arm and he stuttered for a moment, eyes rolling up into the back of his head and passed out.

"Hey!" Duo grabbed the poor guy before he hit his head and tried to stop laughing. "Jeeze I knew my old Halloween stuff would come in handy but-" Duo snickered as he checked for a pulse, the guy was fine but Sally would kill him if he didn't take the guy in. He sighed, it looked like he was going to be taking a detour to the med wing.

(24)

"Marry had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, Marry had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow-" Duo sang as he pushed the buttons in harmony with the tune.

(25)

"Chutes AWAY!" Duo hollered as the elevator rumbled on its downward path and assumed the position of jumping, waiting for the car to 'land'.

Two of the agent's wives rolled their eyes as their children, a little eight-year-old girl with pig tales and a boy about the same age 'assumed the position' along with him.

(26)

"Was it something I said?" The man yelled as the woman shoved herself out of the elevator, hand covering her mouth as she fled toward the nearest bathroom or waist basket.

Other agents stopped for a minute and turned back around to see a braided black ops agent on the elevator shrugging to himself.

"I guess some people just can't hold their lunch."

It was then they noticed the cooler at his feet that had 'Human Head' printed on the side as the doors closed. There was more than one empty stomach that day.

(27)

Trowa entered the elevator and found Duo rocking back on his heels and smiling.

"Hey, Trow."

"Duo," Trowa sighed as the doors closed. "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" Duo asked tipping his head to the side with an evil twitch to his smile. He knew what he meant.

"You have to stop what you're doing, half the office is in a panic and not to mention Yuy's getting lewd love notes everywhere and Une-" He stopped as soon as he saw Duo's body quivering, face downcast and hidden by his bangs. "Duo?"

Duo's face shot up and there was complete terror written there as he looked at Trowa, "You-"

Trowa was getting worried now and slowly put his hands up in a calming manner, "Duo, what's wrong?"

"Yo-you're one of THEM!" He screamed and shot backwards into a corner and started rocking back and forth, muttering, crying, and sometimes yelling to himself.

Trowa was so preoccupied he hadn't even heard the doors open.

"What did you do to him?"

Trowa spun around and was faced with the women of the Receptions office glaring daggers at him and he backed up a little. _Oh shit._

(28)

Duo smiled to himself as he polished off his sandwich from lunch, toothpick clenched between his teeth. He made a face and then suddenly he belched and rubbed his stomach in a satisfying manner. "Mmmm…tasty!"

(29)

Ricky had a twitch when he was annoyed and it had only gotten worse in the last half hour.

That damn elevator door kept opening and closing with that damn 'ding' every time and no one would do a damn thing about it.

Finally he stood up and went to the elevator and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a black ops agent flipping his knife in the air and just looking at him between the opening and shutting doors, daring him to make it stop.

Ricky stared at the agent stared down at the box between the doors and then turned back around. He would just take his work home with him today.

(30)

Duo smiled as an older woman got on the elevator and smiled in return. "Can I push the button for you?"

The older woman's smile got bigger and started rummaging around in her bag, "Yes, young man, so polite, ground floor please."

Duo pushed the button and then had a large cookie thrust under his nose.

"Here you go, such a nice young man."

Duo just grinned and unwrapped the cookie, homemade, his favorite.


	4. Chapter 4

(31)

"Hello, and how was your day?"

The little girl giggled, her cheeks flushed as she looked shyly to the side and raised her hand to her mouth and whispered in a confidential tone, "My mommies having a baby."

An eyebrow raised over dark eyes and its squeaky voice left the protruding mouth of the pasty creature. "Really?"

The girl nodded her head enthusiastically, making her hair bob up and down with her. "Yep! Grammy said that I was the 'pleasant surprise' and my baby sibling is 'due to the tramp stamp on mommies backside'." The girl tilted her head to the side, still smiling, "Whatever 'tramp-stamp' means." She giggled into her hand.

A 'ding' went up in the quiet room and doors opened to the hustle and bustle of the Preventers Headquarters.

The sock figure darted up into the obviously pregnant woman's beat red face as she hustled her daughter off the elevator grumbling about talking to her mother-in-law.

The little girl turned around and waived back to the longhaired man with the funny sock on his hand.

(32)

"This is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends-Come on, sing with me now!"

Half the passengers pinched the bridge of their nose trying not to strangle the black ops agent standing at the front of the elevator, motioning his hands like a conductor to the tune of his songs while the other half joined in, noticing the only one's getting off the elevator were the one's that played along.

(33)

The elevator was silent, blessedly so. There was no pranks, no human heads or bloody and pussed up arms or even interestingly redone Catholic literature. It was just a normal elevator ride, silent and calm…

"Is that you're beeper?"

Joan turned her head and finally noticed the brown haired boy behind her and just frowned at him while shaking her head. Poor thing must be hearing things. She handed the card of her grandmother's hearing doctor to the boy before she left.

Poor children these days, too much loud music in their ears makes them go def so early.

(34)

Duo sighed as he pulled out Trowa's harmonica. It was the one Quatre had given him for their third anniversary a couple years ago. He had filched it from Trowa's bag during lunch.

He lifted it to his lips and blew into it.

Too bad Trowa was still pissed about the earlier elevator episode with the receptionists and refused to teach him how to play.

(35)

WuFei sighed as he dodged Duo's flying punch a little too close for comfort. "You know, Maxwell, you could actually do your shadow boxing _in_ the gym for once. That is why it's there."

"Ah, Wuffie, that's no fun and besides, I wouldn't be able to show off for the ladies." Duo rocked back on his heals and did a few more quick jabs into the air.

WuFei just shook his head as he shifted his paper work to another arm and ducked under Duo's flying fist as he made his way to the elevator door. "It's WuFEI and Yuy's going to kill you."

Duo just laughed as he did a double back kick in WuFei's direction. "When he comes to kill me could you tell him to bring me a change of clothes?"

(36)

"Ding!"

"Ding!"

"Ding!"

The elevator door opened and one person quickly removed themselves from the premises. It had been a twenty-floor ride down with a 'Ding' not only by the elevator but by the black ops agent in the back singing along with it at every floor.

(37)

Duo yawned, arms raised and mouth wide open as he leaned backwards and rested on the wall behind him. Systematically leaning against the button panel…

The three other Preventers audibly groaned. This was going to be a long way down.

(38)

Duo waited until the doors closed and did a head count.

No kids. All Preventer staff. And smiled.

"Hey, I wonder what all these do?" And Duo pushed the red button.

(39)

"Hey, I think I hear them!" Duo yelled to the six other people inside the dim elevator that hovered around the twenty-sixth floor.

Other said people's heads perked up, eyes alight with hope and stared at the doors.

Until the ceiling panel slammed to the ground and screaming again resumed.

Heero Yuy's head ducked in with a fierce scowl and growled at Duo who had a stethoscope to the elevator wall. Heero then disappeared and reappeared feet first through the hole, feet first in full S.W.A.T. gear.

The other Preventers scrambled to their feet and crowded Heero, yelling and crying all at once. "Enough!"

The other's quieted and scrambled back a ways until Heero stopped pinching the bridge of his nose and pressed the communicator button at his throat. "No Foothold situation. I repeat, no Foothold situation." He glared at Duo, "Some idiot just pushed the red button."

A crackling response came over Heero's earpiece and Heero sighed as he unclipped his hoisting belt. "Affirmative."

Heero looked around, "Who's going up first?"

There was a scramble and then Heero finally got the six other Preventer passengers in some sort of line to be hoisted up toward another floor since the building had been in lockdown ever since the elevator had disengaged and fell stories down.

Duo tried to open his mouth but Heero just glared as a second Preventer was hoisted upward by his cord. "We'll talk _later_."

Duo gave a weak smile and felt his ears burning with shame. He really should have read the manual about colored buttons.

(40)

Trowa entered the empty elevator and found Duo sitting in a corner with a white chalk circle scratched around him.

"Duo?" Trowa asked as he raised an eyebrow.

Duo glared. "Don't even."

Trowa turned back around as he pushed a button and snickered something about 'time out."


End file.
